Hitting A Wall

First post in a really long time…

These past few nights I have hit a wall and I thought I would never find a way around it. Past weeks I have started going back to church. I go all the time when I am home but being in college I used being tired as an excuse not to go. I know that if I want to get around this wall, I need to put my trust in God and know that all will be okay. 

I know that in order to move forward, I need to face my problems instead of running away from them. But running away is easier for me. I have never been one to just gave my fears. But I want to be able to stop and think before I start to freak out. 

Going to church again I have been putting my trust in Him and TRYING to get around this wall. Slowly but surely I am learning. I know I can do this. 

Much love to those who read this. 

Slowly but Surely Shutting Down

Hey everyone! Here is what I have to talk about tonight…

For the past month something that I thought I got over slowly came back into my life. And now I know it is going to be something that I will have to fight and get back under control. And though I want it to seem like I am completely okay with others, I am fighting myself on the inside. I feel so disappointed in myself because I do not have the energy to deal with this again. And there comes a time when I feel like I can not talk to anyone about it, because I do not want to bother anyone or put this burden on anyone. It is a lot for myself so I know that it is too much for others. I wish I could tell all my friends because I feel like I am hiding a big part of my life from them, but I can’t bring myself to tell them.

Ever since this has came back, I feel as though I am giving less and less of myself to my friends. I don’t feel like I am helping them with things they go through. I feel like a bad friend a lot of times because all I have on my mind is what is going on with me. And God knows I care, but I wish I could give my all to them when they need me most. That is why I want to tell them because I want them to know that I care enough about them and want them to know that even if I don’t seem as though I am helping, I really am trying.

Now, everyday I feel myself shutting down more and more. I rather cry more than I want to laugh. I want to stay in bed and not go out on the weekends. But I go anyway because I need to be around people. All my friends keeps me happy, but lately there is one who is keeping me sane. Not that she is better than any of my friends, but she just knows what to say to make it seem like tomorrow will be better. She has my heart right now. No matter what I know I am not the person I was a long time ago. She has gone away and it has been a hard time trying to find her again. So until she is back I know that I wont be the same person. And it breaks my heart because I want to be normal again and happy and I’m not. I could go on and on but that would not solve anything. One day it will be better. I just know it will be.

I pray that one of these days I never have to worry about this again, but I know it will always be apart of me. But it will be something that can not bring me down anymore. And when that day finally comes and stays will be the day I know nothing can get in my way anymore.

For all that will read this – I am sorry I did not state what the issue is but I don’t want to write it down. But thank you for reading this and letting me have a little pity party… Much Love

Random Vent Session

I wish I had more time to blog and get my thoughts out to release a little stress. But anyway, I hope those of you who reads my blog do not mind my little pity party/ rant… I do not know how to word this.

These past two or three weeks have been kind of rough. School is stressful (what is new?), and on top of that I a little bit of unwanted sadness tends to come around and messes up my happiness. I usually love being around a lot of people at once but now I like being by myself a lot more. It gives me time to be to think and be able to focus on what the problem really is. One thing I hate doing it telling people I am fine when really I want to start screaming and crying to get it all out. But I don’t and say that I am okay to avoid having to talk about it. Lately I haven’t been myself and anything upset me right about now.

Another thing is I really do not like when people lie to me… I mean who does? Even if you think that it is going to upset me I rather know anyway. Because if I find out any other way, I will start losing trust in them and eventually all the trust is gone. I know we all tell little lies, but when its something big I rather tell that person upfront and I would want the same from someone else.

I take friendship really serious… I cherish my close friends as though they are my real family. I really want to keep going on with this subject but I rather not because if they read this they know exactly what I am talking about, no need to throw it on the web.

I wish I could be happy all the time like I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and I love smiling and laughing all the time; but I think this is the time where people should know that I am not always happy and that should be okay. I wish I could just come out and say what I really feel, but if people like seeing me happy, I will continue to keep a smile on my face. I guess that is lying? Am I contradicting myself? These are the moments when I have to stop and question myself…

I love my faith, and I am getting deeper and deeper into it. Especially here lately. I love knowing I have a God I can call on when I need Him. He knows my heart and I know He is keeping me sane and giving me the strength to keep going everyday, and fight through all that is thrown my way. I know I could do better and every day I continue to want to better. Even if I slip up; I know He still has my hand through all of this. (For those who are not religious and read this, not trying to force my religion on you. Just something I wanted to write down for myself)

I think that is all I have. I wrote more than I though was on my heart. I want to say that no matter what I have been going through lately, I know this is only the beginning and I will have bigger storms to face as I get older. And I am physically, mentally, and spiritually preparing myself for it all. Have a great night/day depending on where you are reading this. My time on this thing is always wrong but it is 8:57 pm here… Goodnight!

Not Depressed

It has been so long since I have a had a chance to actually sit down and write what has been on my mind. Well here is my thought for today… Why do I allow myself to get really down when I return back to school.

I love being in college; I’ve become friends with some of the best people. I have had fun going out and also just staying in. But no matter what I seem to start getting a little down. I don’t want to call it depression because I don’t want to claim that about myself. But I do get sad a lot and I have days where I really do not want to talk to anyone. But being me, I pretend to be okay. I really just do not want people asking me what is wrong. I usually start getting this way when I come back to school and I just start getting so stressed. I have days when I want to kick and scream, and cry uncontrollably. Even though it may not help too much, it will help a little. I always try to stay positive about everything that goes on, because there are so many people who have it way worse than I do. I know I am beyond blessed and I have had a pretty good life growing up, but just because that is true it does not mean I have days where I am just not happy.

Since I have been back at school I have daily rants at night with my best friend/ roommate. So happy she listens and she does not judge me. No matter how much I ramble on and on. If it was not for her listening to me I would keep everything bottled up and eventually I would just explode.

I think that is all I want talk about tonight. I really want to do this every night or at least every night. I really helps me out a lot when it comes to talking about my feelings.

Trust: small word with a BIG meaning

Trust,  noun \ˈtrəst\ : belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

My thought of the day is… How easy it can be to lose someones trust.

Are you the type of person to trust easily? Or does it take you a while to trust someone? For me, I am in the middle. I trust certain people, and for others trust does not come easy. The saying, “trust is so easy to lose, but yet so hard to get back”, is so true. Trust is very important, but at the same time it can be dangerous. It is important, because it gives us a chance to build a friendship/ relationship with someone. Trust is dangerous when we start to think that our friend, family, or the person we are in love with can never hurt us.

I had a friend hurt me so bad and though I forgave them, the trust will not be the same it was before. Not saying that it will never be the same but it will take a while. I never imagined that out of all people they would lose a certain amount of trust from me (I would give more details about this side story, but they may read this). When I feel as though I can not trust someone I care so much about, it bothers me. I think about the situation longer than I should, then I find myself acting a lot different towards them, even after I am over it. It is just a way for me to try and get that trust back to what it used to be, but it always take time.

Question? What makes you decided that you can trust someone again? For me I they have to prove to me that they deserves it. Do not be a suck up to me, because that is not genuine to me. I do not want them to say that they are sorry over and over either. I really do not want them to do anything but just give me time to think, and then I will determine if I want to to give you my trust again.

I did not want this post to be too short so I found a site that said some things about trust:

Trusting requires that we can, 1. Be vulnerable to others (vulnerable to betrayal in particular); 2. Think well of others, at least in certain domains; and 3. Be optimistic that they are, or at least will be, competent in certain respects. Each of these conditions for trust is relatively uncontroversial. There is a further condition which is controversial, however: the trustor is optimistic that the trustee will have a certain kind of motive for acting. Controversy surrounds this last criterion, because it is unclear what, if any, sort of motive we expect from people we trust. http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/trust/

This post is not as great as it sounded in my head, but I tried to make my point as clear as possible. But remember, you too are capable of losing someones trust. I always take that into consideration.

Friend vs Best Friend

My thought of the day… What is the difference between a friend and a best friend? How do we determine who we will call our best friend? How many best friends can you have? Does a best friend have to be someone we talk to everyday? Does a best friend really have to know every single thing about you? Of course they know everything about us. That’s why we call them our best friend, right?

I myself use the term best friend for my really close friends, but I have people who I have never called by best friend, who treats me better than a person I have called a best friend. But then I have people in my lives that I call my friend when they should not even have that title. I think a friend is someone who you can get together with every now and then and have a good time. But a best friend to me is someone you call instantly when you need someone to talk to asap. Someone who doesn’t  judge you when you make a mistake; who you can trust more than anything. A best friend thinks about your feelings and would never hurt you on purpose.

Question? When you think of the word best friend, who is one person that comes to mind? Why do you think of them first? Mine is Brittany Shuster, she has been my best friend since third grade and always will be. We don’t talk everyday, or see each other as much as we used to, but when we get together it is like nothing has changed. And now I have the honor to be in her wedding, and she will be in mine one day. She may not be my only best friend, but she is my number one.

So it wouldn’t just be my take on this, I asked a few people what they thought about this subject:

Person #1 said: “Best friends you can always count on. They never disappoint and are always there for you. A best friend is the first person you want to tell when something really awesome happens in your life. They’re also the one you go to when things are bad and you just need someone.”

Person #2: “A best friend knows everything about you, and a friend is just someone to talk too.”

Person #3: “A friend hugs you when you cry and helps you when you fall down, but a best friend cries with you and laughs when you fall down haha.”

Person #4: “A friend is just a friend but a best friend is someone who does things beyond normal measures… Who has proven to be pretty awesome, loyal and faithful. A friend is just a friend.”

I take friendship very seriously. I may not always be not always be the best friend, but I make sure that if someone needs me I am there. If you mean a lot to me and you hurt me in anyway, I’ll sacrifice my feelings and drop it. Usually because I rather move forward than argue. That is just me.

To those you read this, I hope you enjoyed it. I rambled to get my thoughts out, so hopefully this all makes sense, haha!

Refuse to be Defeated

Overcome: over-come, verb \ˌō-vər-ˈkəm\ : to successfully deal with or gain control of (something difficult)

Today I was thinking about how easy it is to give up. So many days I want to throw the towel in. I wanted to scream, cry, and completely call it quits. As easy as all that my seem, I refused to let the world defeat me. So I choose to keep moving forward.

For those of you reading this, I want you to KEEP MOVING FORWARD! Yes, I know that I do not know what is going on in your life, but I want you to know that if you refuse to let the bad things in your life defeat you, I know that you can get through anything. It may seem as though nothing is going right, and the best thing for you to do is give up; but don’t. Keep your head up and fight for happiness. Nothing is more important than you being able to be happy. Defeat can tear you down and make you feel like nothing is worth it. You’re worth it. Please do not give up; you can do this! I believe in you!

Instead of being defeated, DEFEAT the bad things that are going on in your life. DEFEAT the people in your lives who say you will never be anything. DEFEAT everything that is stopping you from moving forward in life. OVERCOME, and be happy… You deserve to smile, and have a great life. Yes, there will still be some bad days, but bad days help you realize the good ones that you will have.

 

I hope this post is helpful to those who feel like they have been defeated by life. Remember to KEEP MOVING FORWARD, fight to DEFEAT the bad and OVERCOME so that you can be happy! Remember, I believe in you!