Slowly but Surely Shutting Down

Hey everyone! Here is what I have to talk about tonight…

For the past month something that I thought I got over slowly came back into my life. And now I know it is going to be something that I will have to fight and get back under control. And though I want it to seem like I am completely okay with others, I am fighting myself on the inside. I feel so disappointed in myself because I do not have the energy to deal with this again. And there comes a time when I feel like I can not talk to anyone about it, because I do not want to bother anyone or put this burden on anyone. It is a lot for myself so I know that it is too much for others. I wish I could tell all my friends because I feel like I am hiding a big part of my life from them, but I can’t bring myself to tell them.

Ever since this has came back, I feel as though I am giving less and less of myself to my friends. I don’t feel like I am helping them with things they go through. I feel like a bad friend a lot of times because all I have on my mind is what is going on with me. And God knows I care, but I wish I could give my all to them when they need me most. That is why I want to tell them because I want them to know that I care enough about them and want them to know that even if I don’t seem as though I am helping, I really am trying.

Now, everyday I feel myself shutting down more and more. I rather cry more than I want to laugh. I want to stay in bed and not go out on the weekends. But I go anyway because I need to be around people. All my friends keeps me happy, but lately there is one who is keeping me sane. Not that she is better than any of my friends, but she just knows what to say to make it seem like tomorrow will be better. She has my heart right now. No matter what I know I am not the person I was a long time ago. She has gone away and it has been a hard time trying to find her again. So until she is back I know that I wont be the same person. And it breaks my heart because I want to be normal again and happy and I’m not. I could go on and on but that would not solve anything. One day it will be better. I just know it will be.

I pray that one of these days I never have to worry about this again, but I know it will always be apart of me. But it will be something that can not bring me down anymore. And when that day finally comes and stays will be the day I know nothing can get in my way anymore.

For all that will read this – I am sorry I did not state what the issue is but I don’t want to write it down. But thank you for reading this and letting me have a little pity party… Much Love

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