Slowly but Surely Shutting Down

Hey everyone! Here is what I have to talk about tonight…

For the past month something that I thought I got over slowly came back into my life. And now I know it is going to be something that I will have to fight and get back under control. And though I want it to seem like I am completely okay with others, I am fighting myself on the inside. I feel so disappointed in myself because I do not have the energy to deal with this again. And there comes a time when I feel like I can not talk to anyone about it, because I do not want to bother anyone or put this burden on anyone. It is a lot for myself so I know that it is too much for others. I wish I could tell all my friends because I feel like I am hiding a big part of my life from them, but I can’t bring myself to tell them.

Ever since this has came back, I feel as though I am giving less and less of myself to my friends. I don’t feel like I am helping them with things they go through. I feel like a bad friend a lot of times because all I have on my mind is what is going on with me. And God knows I care, but I wish I could give my all to them when they need me most. That is why I want to tell them because I want them to know that I care enough about them and want them to know that even if I don’t seem as though I am helping, I really am trying.

Now, everyday I feel myself shutting down more and more. I rather cry more than I want to laugh. I want to stay in bed and not go out on the weekends. But I go anyway because I need to be around people. All my friends keeps me happy, but lately there is one who is keeping me sane. Not that she is better than any of my friends, but she just knows what to say to make it seem like tomorrow will be better. She has my heart right now. No matter what I know I am not the person I was a long time ago. She has gone away and it has been a hard time trying to find her again. So until she is back I know that I wont be the same person. And it breaks my heart because I want to be normal again and happy and I’m not. I could go on and on but that would not solve anything. One day it will be better. I just know it will be.

I pray that one of these days I never have to worry about this again, but I know it will always be apart of me. But it will be something that can not bring me down anymore. And when that day finally comes and stays will be the day I know nothing can get in my way anymore.

For all that will read this – I am sorry I did not state what the issue is but I don’t want to write it down. But thank you for reading this and letting me have a little pity party… Much Love

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Random Vent Session

I wish I had more time to blog and get my thoughts out to release a little stress. But anyway, I hope those of you who reads my blog do not mind my little pity party/ rant… I do not know how to word this.

These past two or three weeks have been kind of rough. School is stressful (what is new?), and on top of that I a little bit of unwanted sadness tends to come around and messes up my happiness. I usually love being around a lot of people at once but now I like being by myself a lot more. It gives me time to be to think and be able to focus on what the problem really is. One thing I hate doing it telling people I am fine when really I want to start screaming and crying to get it all out. But I don’t and say that I am okay to avoid having to talk about it. Lately I haven’t been myself and anything upset me right about now.

Another thing is I really do not like when people lie to me… I mean who does? Even if you think that it is going to upset me I rather know anyway. Because if I find out any other way, I will start losing trust in them and eventually all the trust is gone. I know we all tell little lies, but when its something big I rather tell that person upfront and I would want the same from someone else.

I take friendship really serious… I cherish my close friends as though they are my real family. I really want to keep going on with this subject but I rather not because if they read this they know exactly what I am talking about, no need to throw it on the web.

I wish I could be happy all the time like I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and I love smiling and laughing all the time; but I think this is the time where people should know that I am not always happy and that should be okay. I wish I could just come out and say what I really feel, but if people like seeing me happy, I will continue to keep a smile on my face. I guess that is lying? Am I contradicting myself? These are the moments when I have to stop and question myself…

I love my faith, and I am getting deeper and deeper into it. Especially here lately. I love knowing I have a God I can call on when I need Him. He knows my heart and I know He is keeping me sane and giving me the strength to keep going everyday, and fight through all that is thrown my way. I know I could do better and every day I continue to want to better. Even if I slip up; I know He still has my hand through all of this. (For those who are not religious and read this, not trying to force my religion on you. Just something I wanted to write down for myself)

I think that is all I have. I wrote more than I though was on my heart. I want to say that no matter what I have been going through lately, I know this is only the beginning and I will have bigger storms to face as I get older. And I am physically, mentally, and spiritually preparing myself for it all. Have a great night/day depending on where you are reading this. My time on this thing is always wrong but it is 8:57 pm here… Goodnight!